i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Sober January is a disaster.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
