Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
