We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I currently don't understand fingers.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
