laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
