Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
