The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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