Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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