i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
