it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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