i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
its not stalking. its research.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
