3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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