I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
