You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
