I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
And then my night got REAL pukey
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
