My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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