you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
