and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
no. you can't hotbox the world.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
