someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
