my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
