We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
