2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
