When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
