This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
