I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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