soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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