Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
