girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
