I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
