Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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