I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
