i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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