Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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