idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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