and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
