And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
