why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
