the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
