im about as happy as oj after his trial
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
