i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
