I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You need Xanax blowdarts
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
