my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
