my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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