Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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