It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
