My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
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