Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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