Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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