I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Is Oprah even human
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
