im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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