You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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